（不斷更新）笑/笑話（來自電郵）

笑 話（二十）

Advice to All Married Men
（from email）

對所有已婚男士的忠告
（Chinese translation by wmy）

This one is funny -
It appears that it is posted by Bangkok's Tourism Authority

下帖甚為有趣—
來自曼谷旅遊局

"Loyal husbands will go straight to Heaven, and
Disloyal ones will enjoy Heaven on Earth.
The choice is yours ! "

忠實的丈夫將直通天堂，而
不忠實的可享受地球上的天堂。
選擇權掌握在你手中！

- Bangkok Tourism Board -

—曼谷旅遊部—

笑 話（二十六）

Why Jews are better at magic（from email）

為什麼猶太人擅長魔法
（中文譯文：wmy）

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

一個猶太人和一個阿拉伯人同時進入一家麵包店。

The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

阿拉伯人偷了三塊酥糕餅隨手將餅放進衣兜里。

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything. "

他對猶太人說：“瞧瞧我多棒！店主根本沒覺察。”

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

猶太人對阿拉伯人說：“你是那種典型的不诚实的阿拉伯人。我用一種誠實的方式而得到相同的结果，瞧我的。”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

他對麵包店的店主說：“給我一塊酥糕餅，我給你玩魔術。”。

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

在好奇心的驅使下，店主同意給他一塊酥糕餅。猶太人吞吃後要求再來一塊。店主又給了他另外一塊。那猶太人又要了第三塊把餅吃掉。

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

此時店主開始懷疑戲法究竟在哪裡，問道：“你對酥糕餅做了什麼手腳？”

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

猶太人回答說：“你看看阿拉伯人的衣袋……”

笑  話（三十）

HE MUST PAY...
（from email）

他必須付出代價……
（中文譯文：wmy）

Husband and wife had a tiff.

丈夫和妻子口角。

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

妻子打電話給她的母親，說：「他又和我打起來，我現在就過去和你住。」

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake . I am coming to live with you.

媽媽說：「你不能這麼做，親愛的。他必須對犯下的錯誤付出代價。我現在就搬過去和你住。」

笑  話（三十一）

A man's best friend
（from email）

男人的最好的朋友
（中文譯文：wmy）

A real woman is a man's best friend.

一個真正的女人是男人最好的朋友。

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

她不會讓他白等爽約也不會置他於不顧。

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

當他感到不安全她會向他作出保證，安慰他度過了不稱心的一天。

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

她會激勵他去做他從未想到會做到的事；令他生活中沒有恐懼，忘卻後悔。

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

她能夠促使他表達自己最深切的情感，為私人的欲望作出讓步。

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

她會確保他感覺到在此空間裏他彷彿是最英俊的男子，成爲最有信心的，性感的，誘人和戰無不勝的……

No wait.., Sorry.

且慢……對不起。

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

我正在喝威士忌。一切皆是威士忌所為。

笑  話（三十三）

Rubber Gloves
（from email）

膠手套
（中文譯文：wmy）

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

下回當你戴副膠手套時，一想到下面的故事你會會心一笑：

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was Nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

牙醫注意到他的下一名患者，一個小老太太，很緊張。當他戴上手套時，他決定給她講個小笑話。

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

『您知道這副手套是怎麼做嗎？』他問。

'No, I don't,' she replied.

『不，我不知道，』她回答。

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

『噢，』他哄著她，『在加拿大的一座大廈有個大型乳膠容器，工人們走到容器各自將不同大小的雙手浸泡在乳膠裡，再弄乾，然後脫下手套，把手套扔進不同尺寸的箱子裡』。

She didn't crack a smile.

她聽完並沒有展露笑容。

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

『哦，我努力過了，』他想。

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

然而五分鐘之後，在程序的某部分需要謹慎處理期間，她放聲大笑。

'What's so funny?' he asked.

『什麼事那麼好笑？』他問。

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

『我在想像避孕套是怎麼製作的!』

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

（必需注意那些小老太太，她們的的腦子還一直在運作呢！）

笑  話（三十六）

PRIDE  AND  JOY
（from email）

自 豪 和 喜 悅
（中文譯文：wmy）

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

三十年未見的四位朋友，開派對聚會。幾杯飲料下肚之後，其中一人得上洗手間解三急。
 

Those who remained talked about their kids.

留下來的三人談論自己的孩子。

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

第一個人說： 『我的兒子是我的自豪和喜悅。他在一家成功的公司工作，從底層做起。他學習經濟学和企业管理，很快就爬到公司的高層，如今是公司的總裁。他很富裕，他的最好的朋友過生日特地送給他一部頂級賓士（奔馳，Mercedes）。』

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

第二個人說：『真沒想到，棒極了！我的兒子也是我的自豪和喜悅。他的第一份工作是在一家大航空公司，然後他上飛行學校學習成為飛行員。最終成為公司的合夥人並擁有其大部分的資產。他富有到為他的最好的朋友賀壽竟然贈送一架全新品牌的噴氣式飛機作為生日禮物的地步。』

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.

第三個人說：『很好，妙極了! 我的兒子在最優秀的大學讀書，之後成為一名工程師。後來他成立了自己的建築公司，現在已經是個大富豪了……同樣地他為他最好的朋友過生日送了一套昂貴的30,000平方英尺的豪宅作為禮物。』

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

在三個朋友互相道賀的時候，去洗手間的那第四位回來了，他問：『你們都在祝賀什麽？』

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'

其中一人說：『我們正在為我們的兒子的成功訴說自己如何自豪的感受……對了，你的兒子怎樣？ 』

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

第四個人回答：『我的兒子是同性戀者，為了謀生他在一家夜總會裏表演脫衣舞。』

The three friends in unison said: 'What a shame.... what a disappointment.'

三位朋友異口同聲說：『真可惜……多麼令人失望』。

The fourth man replied: 'No, not at all I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

第四個人回答：『不，我絲毫不覺得羞愧。他是我的兒子，而且我愛他。他幹得也不太差。就在兩個星期前他過生日，他還從他的三個男朋友那裡 接受了一套富麗堂皇的30,000平方英尺豪宅、一架全新的噴氣式飛機和一部頂級賓士呢！ 』

笑  話（三十八）

JOKES FROM EMAIL

來自電郵的笑話
（小標題及中文譯文：wmy）

The same problem（同類的問題）

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying : 'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'

放學回家時老師要吉米帶張便條給他的母親。便條上寫道：「吉米聰慧過人，可惜他花費太多的時間去想女孩子。」

The mother wrote back the next day: 'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'

第二天母親給老師回條：「如尋獲解決辦法，請賜教。我和其父存在同樣的問題！」

Instead of praying（代替祈禱）

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

年輕時我經常爲得到一輛自行車向上帝祈禱。後來我意識到求上帝是不管用的，於是乎我偷了一輛自行車，再向上帝祈求寬恕。

Differences in praying（祈禱的差異）

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

在教會裡祈禱的人和在賭場祈禱的人有何區別？

The ones in the casinos are serious.

在賭場祈禱的那些人是嚴肅真誠的。

About marriage（有關婚姻）

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

結婚就像跟朋友們一起去餐廳就餐一樣。

You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

你點了你想要的，一看到別人點的，你又覺得如果你點了他們要的那份就好了。

The meaning of holding hands（手拉手的含義）

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

爲什麽在婚禮進行時一對新人要手拉手？

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

慣用形式而已，就像兩個拳擊手在開戰前握手一樣！

Make a man dizzy（足以使男人眩暈）

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.

人們說婚姻使人頭暈目眩，說得千真萬確。

As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

當我一旦娶妻，我在銀行失衡。

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.

男人希望妻子有三項品德：廚房的經濟學家、家裡的藝術家、床上的魔鬼。

But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

相反她們竟然是：廚房的藝術家、家裡的魔鬼、床上的經濟學家。

Q and A（問與答）

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

問：爲什麽女人比男人長命？

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

答：購物不會導致心臟病發作，但付賬的相反！

The way of celebrations（慶祝的方式）

Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?

妻子：親愛的，今天是我們的結婚周年紀念日，我們應該做些什麽呢？

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

丈夫：讓我們站著靜默2分鐘吧！

Before and after marriage（婚前婚後）

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

婚前：玫瑰是紅的，天是藍的，你是美麗的，我愛你。

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm *blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

婚後：玫瑰凋謝了，我灰心喪氣，你令我頭痛，有一天我要殺死你。（wmy 註：此地 *blue不能以顏色理解。）

笑  話（四十）

Overdue
（from email）

逾 期
（中文譯文：wmy）

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby ! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

晚上夏爾馬先生回到家裡，他的妻子摟住他的脖子，說；「我有特大喜訊要宣布：我逾期一個月。我想我們就會有孩子了！今天，醫生給我測試了，但是在未確認前，我們都不能向其他人透露消息。」

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.

第二天，夏爾馬太太接到一個電話，是基於電費單未付款，信實能源打過來的。

"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ? "

「您是夏爾馬太太嗎？」

"Yes... speaking"

「我是……請講。」

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know !"

該公司的一位男士說：「你逾期一個月，你該知道吧！」

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

「你是怎麽知道的？」少婦有點結巴。

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

「噢，讓我告訴你，這位女士，資料全在我們檔案裡！」該男士說。

"What are you saying? It's in your files... HOW ?????"

「你說什麽？它竟然在你的檔案裡……怎麽可能？？？？？」

"Yes... We have a system of finding out who's overdue."

「對……我們有一個系統，它能夠找出誰人是逾期的。」

"Madam, I am sorry . . . I am following orders . . . I have to inform you are overdue"

「這位女士，我很抱歉……我是依法辦事……我必须通知您：您过期了。」

"I know that . . . let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow."

「我知道了……晚上我會對我丈夫講。他明天會去你公司面談。」

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

那天晚上，她把這件事告訴她的丈夫。第二天一早他怒不可遏衝到公司辦公室。

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?", the husband shouts.

「怎麼回事？連我的妻子逾期一個月都儲存在你們的檔案裡？關你們什麼屁事？」丈夫大叫。

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

「鎮定一下，」接待處的女職員說。「沒什麽大不了的事。你要做的是付錢給我們。」

"PAY you? And if I refuse ?"

「付錢給你們？我要是拒絕呢？」

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

「先生，你硬是要那樣做的話，我們沒有其他選擇，只好切斷你的。」

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

「那麼我的妻子接下來怎麼辦？」

"I don't know . . .  I guess she'd have to use a candle."

「我不知道……我猜她得用蠟燭了。」